Parting Gift

Sunday morning and my disheveled looking fare come out of a town centre house with a smirk on his face. "Heck she was ugly, but I was drunk" he said as he checked himself out in the mirror. "Well I guess that we all make mistakes" I replied. "Yes but she was lucky to get me, I bet I'm the best looking guy she has ever had" he crowed.

 He was going the few miles to neighboring Askam and by the time we had got a mile up the road I was beginning to tire of his constant put down of his last nights conquest and his over the top conceit. As we passed Furness General Hospital a truly evil plan entered my head. Scratching my head and looking deep in thought I muttered "I know that house I picked you up from, I've picked up there a few times." He paused from studying his reflection and slowly took the bait "Oh yes where did you take her then" he asked trying not to appear too interested. I rubbed my chin as if deep in thought and after a long pause announced "That's it! I know she went to the Birchwood clinic"

 We drove on in silence for a mile or two as he thought about it and then he asked "so where is the Birchwood clinic then." "It's in the hospital grounds" I told him and then put on my best worried looking expression. It was just before we pulled up outside his house that he finally found the courage to croakily ask “what do they do at the Birchwood clinic then?"

 I paused for effect and then solemnly told him "it's the new sexual health clinic" and then slyly watched as he thought about it and then slowly made the implied connection. He left the cab looking deep in thought, with his hands thrust deep in his pockets as if checking on something.

The Closet Chav

Saturday night was a full moon which brought all the usual strange characters out in abundance one job consisted of two young couples off out for a nights moon bathing in the town. On the way into town they stopped at a supermarket cash machine to top up with money for the no doubt expensive night ahead. As the two lads waited in the queue for the busy cash dispenser the two lasses were having a strange conversation concerning one of the lads. The slightly bizarre conversation went like this:

Lass1 "so do you really think that he is one of them then?”

Lass2 "Well when we went down to Manchester shopping he kept looking in the window of that kind of shop, but I wouldn't let him go in.”

Lass1 "Oh that's awful but what else makes you suspicious"

Lass2 “Well I found some items of that kind of clothing hidden in his wardrobe, which I think he used to wear before he met me."

Lass1 "Maybe it was just a phase he was going through when he was younger; he might not be like that now."

Lass2 "No I really do think he is one of them, he tries to hide it but I've seen him waving and talking to them when he thinks I'm not looking."

Lass1 "Oh I'm so sorry for you, what will you do?"

Lass2 "Nothing yet but the first time I catch him tucking his pants in his socks that's it, I'm finished with the closet chav!"

Teen Racers

After watching yet another near pile-up involving one our local teen racers today, I really do think it's time for a rethink.

 Nowadays you just can't deny the fact that the roads are far busier and much more dangerous than ever before. In most cases seventeen is too young of an age to be let loose with a loaded weapon like a souped up car. Modern cars are much faster and more powerful than at any time ever before and I for one think that they shouldn't be used as kids toys.

 Far too many kiddie winkles are tearing around the town like lunatics in high performance cars foolishly financed by credit happy parents hoping to keep up with the Joneses.

 The depressing annual death toll can only be reduced by changing the law to reflect the clear fact that teenagers are far more likely to die in a car accident than any other way.

 In my opinion teens should be limited to unmodified restricted performance cars. And since most fatal teen accidents tend to happen at night and involve cars carrying more than three passengers lets change the law to restrict teens to carrying only one passenger after 9pm.

The Trouble-shooter

We tend to think of Texan oilmen as Stetson and cowboy boot wearing big loud brawny guys, but the trouble-shooter from Houston that I collected from a local hotel was just the opposite. He was of Chinese stock conservatively dressed, quiet, refined and well spoken.

 He was telling me that he was over to help sort out the much troubled Rivers gas plant at our vast Rampside Gas Terminal. The multi million pound project was completed three years ago but has not ever been able to start production. This has cost the staggering sum of three million dollars a day in lost production.

 Our diminutive Texan beamed as he proudly told me that his team had finished sorting out all the problems the previous day and that at long last the plant was finally in production. But as we drove past the helipad towards the gas plant his smile quickly faded. He pointed at part of the plant and explained to me that there should have been a gas flare burning when the plant is working. "Shucks I guess that they've gone and broke the darn thing again" he said shaking his head and adding a few more million dollars to the losses.

The Charmer

Early on Sunday morning and one of my first fares was a young lass who looked like she had been fighting for ten rounds in the boxing ring. If you don't ask any questions you don't get any answers. And so I asked "what happened to your face then?" "I got **!!## bottled" was the less than ladylike reply before she loudly burped, filling the cab with the smell of stale beer and last nights kebab. "I got thrown out just cos I bottled the other lass back, but it's OK cos the fat cow ended up in the hospital" She then started describing the vast quantity of booze she had managed to knock back before reaching oblivion and then waking up in some strangers flea pit.

 I was thankful that it was only a short drive between the two much less than respectable houses that she was travelling between. She handed over a crumpled dirty note for the fare with a tattooed grubby hand. What a charmer eh? But when I checked the back seats I found that she had kindly left a snotty tissue, a well chewed wad of gum and a half smoked spliff behind in lieu of a tip.

Mrs Moneyprice.

One particular fare that I pick up now and again always drives me to distraction, I call her Mrs Moneyprice. 

Her voice is akin to the dentists drill and she doesn't pause to draw breath from the minute she gets in until the merciful moment she gets out again. Without any explanation or preamble she will start to list exactly what she has bought and is going to splash out on that week.

 Every item is then given its price tag right down to the exact penny, and comments added like "it was the dearest they had” or "I don't do cheap you know." A week or two back she even went into great detail about her new super pricey designer underwear which she then went on to say "was a waste of money because she wouldn't wear it." This was far too much information for a shy sensitive soul like me and I very nearly blushed, but thankfully she quickly moved on to the price of her new designer handbag.

 By the time we reached her house the figures must have racked up to many thousands and my poor head was spinning. As she got out of the cab, even though I had not gotten a word in edgeways she said “Thanks for the chat" but before I could let out a sigh of relief she leaned back in the car and started pointing at her garden and telling me the price of every plant and adornment in sight.

Bait Car

A Canadian meth addict steals a bait car which has cctv installed. Wow I wonder if the guy is crazy to start with or is it the meth that makes folk that aggressive. I sure wouldn't like to pick him up as a fare.

Make Up

The best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup, this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most men...

Then again, I could be wrong....

I’ve lost count of the lasses and ladies who have gotten into the front passenger seat of the cab and immediately pulled the sun visor down and looked critically at themselves in the vanity mirror. But then despite having already spent hours painting and powdering at home they find fault and decide to try to apply extra paint and filler whilst on the taxi journey. But some wicked little voice in my head always seems to nag at me to plan the route to include every speed hump and pothole in town.

 Then I am drawn by some strange magnetic force into hitting every manhole cover and drain and my brakes and throttle seem to take on a life of their own, braking and accelerating just as the delicate final touches of makeup are applied.

 So if a lass walks into your party or pub with eyes looking like a panda or lips looking like the Joker from Batman she may just have gotten out of my taxi.

Ticket Blitz

Barrows traffic wardens, whoops sorry mustn't call them that now; they tell me that they are now known as civil enforcement officers started September with a Monday morning ticket blitz. 

The many cars left for weeks at a time with for sale signs on display, that have been parked on Barrow's Roose Rd and Abbey Rd were all ticketed in one early morning swoop. What a bonanza that must have been for the town hall bank balance, maybe we will all get a rate reduction now eh?

 But the long overdue crackdown seems to have worked on the towns would be Arthur Daley’s because on Tuesday morning not a single dodgy car for sale could be found on the streets of Barrow.

Maybe we could get the towns roving civil enforcement officers to check on the ever increasing hordes of traffic lights we now have here in Barrow. For weeks at a time several sets of lights have had faults with bulbs broken or blown leaving some with only one lonely green light left. Perhaps the county council in the far north has decided that they could save some cash by unadopting some of Barrow’s roads.

 They have made a start by tarring over Schneider roads pedestrian crossings and road markings why not just let the towns traffic lights go out one by one and save a few bob on the electric as well eh? Or is it that we have had so many traffic lights installed here lately that the worlds supply of bulbs has been exhausted.

Smoky Joe's

I hear that a cab driver in nearby Lancaster had a fag-break which cost him £315.
John Goulding, of Fleet Green in Lancaster, was found guilty in his absence at Lancaster Magistrates Court, of breaking the smoking ban laws.
The regulations as we all should know by now make it an offence to smoke in an enclosed public or work place – which includes vehicles such as taxis.

Magistrates heard that Goulding was smoking a cigarette in his taxi while parked in a bay on Belle Vue Terrace in Lancaster. He was spotted by one of Lancaster City Council's licensing
officers, who informed him that he was breaking the law and subsequently issued a Fixed Penalty Notice.
Goulding failed to pay the fine and as a result action was taken through the courts.
Magistrates ordered him to pay a fine of £175, court costs of £125 and a £15 victim surcharge.

Coun David Kerr, cabinet member with responsibility for environmental health, said: "Since the smoke free regulations were brought in over a year ago there have been very few cases where we have had to resort to issuing Fixed Penalty Notices.

"That, in part, is due to the large amount of publicity there has been about the regulations and the fact that most people realise that the laws are there for a good reason – to protect public health.

"Nobody has an excuse in saying that they are not aware of the
implications of the regulations and we will continue to take action where we have evidence that they are being broken."
So there you have it lads the law is breathing down the back of your necks and it wont be long before one of our local smoky Joe's is caught and fined.

Near Miss

Check out this video taken from the cab of a UK train. No wonder the driver swore, and I bet the idiot that was nearly killed saw his life flash before his eyes.

Twisted Logic

Well that's the last Bank holiday weekend of the summer over with, and the next stop before we know it will be Christmas. 

 The super Sunday turned out to be a bit of a late starter with most folk not going out until the evening and not as much of the usual rush up to Dalton for the traditional afternoon boozing. Maybe it had something to so with the closure of that popular watering hole the Wellington, which leaves a huge dry gap between pubs and also was the biggest best beer garden in the town. 

Barrow itself was busy though and I was kept busy ferrying drunks into town from the pubs and house parties in outlaying areas. One group of four lads got into the most bizarre conversation as I drove them into town. They were talking about the date of some sporting event and the year of 1970 was mentioned. The inebriated guy who was sprawled on the front seat piped up with “but that was before I was alive." His mates fell about laughing but the poor guy just couldn't understand what he had said wrong. "So you were dead then" his mates said mockingly. 

My sprawled out drunk thought about this for a minute or two and then with the twisted logic of drunks the world over, declared "well yes if I wasn't alive then I must have been dead back then." This went on for the rest of the ten minute ride into town but nothing his mates could say would convince the sprawling drunk that he hadn't been dead before he was born.

Manslaughter?

After what must be one of the first recorded deaths involving an electric mobility scooter police are investigating a case of possible manslaughter. A frail grandmother died after being involved in a hit-and-run incident involving an unidentified mobility scooter rider. The 84-year-old was making her way across a road when she was struck by the electric buggy. A woman driving the vehicle fled the scene after claiming she was going to call for an ambulance. The victim, who has not been named, suffered a broken hip and was taken to hospital where she died 12 weeks later. The death was reported to the Sunderland coroner by the hospital, which was concerned that it was linked to the crash. Now an inquest has been opened and witnesses have been asked to come forward. The incident happened as the victim was crossing the road in the Hendon area of Sunderland last May. Northumbria Police checked nearby CCTV footage but failed to locate the scooter rider. Because electric-powered buggies are not classed as motor vehicles under road traffic legislation, the driver cannot be prosecuted for a motoring offence. This leaves open the option of a manslaughter charge against the rider, if they are ever identified.

The Boat People

The Roa Island Wreck sitting next to the causeway near Foulney Island has become a familiar landmark to most folk round here for a few years now. Being near to the home of local TV star Dave Myers, it even made national television looking picturesque in the background of the new Hairy Bikers series the Hairy Bakers. I had noticed the rusty 70 foot former fishing trawler moving about during violent storms and always half expected to find the rusty hulk sitting astride the road to Roa Island at some point. A year or so back though I heard a rumour that the boat wreck had been sold, and started to look out for the scrap men towing her away or cutting her up where she lay. Next time I drove past her, I was so shocked that I nearly drove off the causeway and into the channel, some crazy guy was actually attempting to scrape away the thick layers of rust and paint her.

A week or two later and the rumours started to get even more bizarre, with tales of folk actually living on the marooned wreck. Asking around over the months I could only find scraps of information about the mysterious boat people, just who were these crazy folk? Strangely the answers come about when I happened to mention it to a fare that we pick up regularly from the Roa area. It's me said Helen straight away," along with my Partner Scott and daughter Saff."

I was shocked surely not, here was a perfectly sane respectable lady telling me that she lived aboard a ship wreck with no mains water supply, electricity, rubbish collection, phone line or postal address. But hey wait a minute, that also means no bills or rates to pay and with the added bonus that no one can find you. Helen tells me that they had been running pubs for the last ten years and had gotten heartily sick of the rat race. The boat is to be a five year project eventually morphing into a permanent house boat moored at a place yet to be decided. You really do have to admire the sheer guts and determination of this family, remember that life has to revolve around the high tides and if you don't get home in time, then you are stranded ashore. All the supplies you need for day to day living you will have to carry over the rocky muddy beach and up the steep ladder onto the boat. I really sincerely do wish them the very best of luck with this slightly crazy venture and hope that local folk will take them to heart and help out where possible. After all that's what us Furness folk are famous for. "What's the boats name? “You may well ask, and when you learn it and its translation then somehow it seems very apt. The trawlers name throughout its long hard working life has been the “VITA NOVA" which means fittingly "NEW LIFE."

Read Helen's blog at vitanovaroaisland.blogspot.com

Read the Vita Nova story at www.vitanova.me.co.uk

Official Vandals

I see that the vandals from way up north of Cumbria have had their annual spree of mayhem and destruction. Yep it's that time of the year again, and we the poor ratepayer have to pay for the doubtful privilege of Carlisle contractors spaying our roads with black sticky tar and then gleefully throwing truckloads of paint chipping stones and dust in all the wrong places. The boys have excelled themselves this year, particularly on Barrow's Schneider Rd which has been transformed from quite a decent stretch of road into a dusty hazardous disaster area. Impressive clouds of dust recreate scenes from hundreds of years ago making the road look like some sort of rural dirt farm track. To add to the authenticity of the scene all modern road markings have been obliterated including the green cycle tracks for which we paid many tens of thousands of pounds to be laid. 

Suits You!

I shall more than likely be hunted down and thrashed with rolled up copies of the Guardian newspaper, by the PC brigade for this one, but it's a true story and I don't mean any offence. 
Walking down to the sea front I couldn't help notice as a women stood at a street stall trying on different styles of sunglasses. As she tried each pair on she gazed into a mirror and checked out how she looked in the different colours and styles.
 Then she would ask her companion for an opinion on whether or not they suited her. What was strange to my unsophisticated eyes was that she was dressed in full black Hijab and covered from head to toe with only a slit for her eyes.

Grand and Petit Taxi's

This battered old Chevy is a more unusual example of the Moroccan Grand taxi, most seemed to be battered 70s vintage Mercedes. The Grand taxi can seat up to six passengers and has no meter, fares can be negotiated before you hire one. The other type of taxi of which two can be seen in the background is the Petit taxi, they can carry three passengers and have a meter fitted. The Petit taxi is only used within the city limits and are amazingly cheap,anywhere in town for about £1.80p.



The example below is a Grand Taxi spotted on a dusty highway way up in the Anti Atlas mountains.

Snails in Morocco

Well Morocco certainly turned out to be a bit of a culture shock in more ways than one.

 Firstly to witness the poverty and hardship which is endured by most Moroccans with a smile is a humbling experience. Some rural folk out in the desert still live as they did in biblical times, eking out a meagre living with herds of goats and making the trek to the distant water well by donkey. Looking out the window at the pouring down rain, which everyone has been moaning about here in Barrow is a stark contrast to a country where a lot of children have never even seen rain, the last decent downpour was nine years ago!

 Then at the other end of the scale we were told of an Arab multi billionaire who was spending tens of millions to move a giant cement factory, lock stock and barrel, ten miles up the road just because it spoils the view from his newly constructed huge luxury palace.

 Wondering down the beach promenade at night was at first a bit daunting even at one or two o-clock in the morning crowds of twenty or thirty thousand local folks were wondering about. After a while we noticed that most people were in family groups ranging from grandma down to young babes, all simply enjoying themselves. The very idea of even one family walking about late at night like this in Barrow town centre particularly down our infamous Gaza Strip just doesn't bear thinking about.

 What makes the big difference of course is that even though it is available most locals just don't touch alcohol. It really is refreshing to walk down the street at night and not have to dodge the pools of vomit and suffer the intimidating behavior of aggressive drunks.

 Walking down the prom on the last night I spotted something which brought back distant memories of trips to Walney beach and gathering winkles. A street vendor was selling freshly cooked bowls of the delicacy complete with the obligatory pin to tease them from the shells. After eating a half dozen or so it finally dawned on me that they weren't winkles at all, just common garden snails cooked in brine. The missus always said I would eat owt. I guess she is right.

On the Road

Well folks that's me on holiday as from Wednesday 23rd July for two whole weeks. Good eh! I'm off to Morocco which should be interesting. I will post all about it when I get back, but in the meantime behave yourselves folks.

Witless Wellie

All weekend I had been asking my fares if they had heard anything about or been to Barrow's big outdoor music festival "Furnessfest" Strangely no one seemed to have heard a thing about it maybe I was asking the wrong people. 
Finally on Sunday morning I got a job to pick up a fare from the huge festival site on Rakesmoor Lane. The fare was a young fella who looked like he had gotten drunk and slept in a windy field all night, which of course was exactly what he had done. But as for finding out about how the event was going, I might as well of asked one of the nearby trees.
 I should have known when I noticed that the typical muddy festival wellies he wore were on the wrong feet. 
The conversation went like this; firstly I asked "was it busy in there then, plenty of people then?" Fare "Err don’t know really." Me "was the music good then?" Fare, frowning and looking like he was thinking hard “Music, Mmm music eh, err don’t know really." Me "so did you have a good time then?" The Fare, predictably answered "don’t know really." And when I finally asked him if the beer tent was OK he smiled slightly and said “don’t know really, we took our own”

Mystery M

For the last few weeks or so mysterious red stickers have been appearing on lampposts, windows and buildings etc the length and breadth of Barrow. The stickers consist of a red background and a curious white design which looks like the letter M scrawled by a drunk.

But finally I have gotten to the bottom of the mystery stickers; a source in the local nightclub scene has given me the low-down. He tells me that the long closed Martinis night club on Barrow's notorious Gaza Strip is undergoing a massive revamp and will open shortly in a new guise as Club- M. So the sticker campaign is a form of cheap and cheeky advertising campaign, 

I say cheeky because they have also been sneakily slapping them all over rival night clubs and bars.

The other sign which has appeared along the length of Barrow's Abbey road tells us that major road works are about to begin. I believe that bit and I believe the bit that tells us to expect long delays. But I really am having a hard time swallowing the outrageous claim that the road works will only last for ten weeks. Long suffering local motorists know for a fact that this optimistic claim is stretching credibility. We all know from the previous history of many similar signs that have appeared on our over excavated roads that this is nowt but a fairy story, with not a happy ending in sight.

Strangely Remote.

When I went to collect my passenger from a Walney pub on Friday morning it wasn't quite what I was expecting. A red faced guy walked from the pub and opened the passenger door and dropped a TV remote control onto the front seat. I looked to him and then the remote quizzically and patiently waited for the story. None was forthcoming, I guess he was a bit embarrassed, he just handed me some cash and told me the address where the remote was to go. When I reached the home of the remote control the door was half opened by a puzzled looking woman in pyjamas, who stared blankly at the remote. But then a little girl appeared who looked delighted to see the wayward remote, and so without another word I handed it over and left. Who knows what the story was, your guess is as good as mine is.

Electric Taxi

The first electric powered taxi has been launched by Glasgow based Allied Vehicles which builds thousands of taxis each year, the new E7 taxi.

The electric taxi will be available from October 2008 and is the result of three years research and development by Allied, which is already looking for local authority partners to install recharging networks locally to help drive down urban emissions.

However, a recent snub by Transport for London’s taxi licensing division, the Public Carriage Office, means the UK’s first zero emission taxi will not be appearing on the capital’s streets anytime soon.

The E7 is powered entirely by cutting edge Lithium-ion batteries. These give the electric E7 a range of up to 100 miles from a single charge and a top speed of 60mph.

Producing no carbon, particulates or other pollutant emissions, the E7 is eligible for a 100% discount from vehicle excise duty, as well as lower daily running costs.

With rising fuel prices an increasing problem for taxi drivers, the electric E7 is cheaper to run than a traditional black cab. Allied’s confidence in the technology is underlined with batteries featuring a six-year warranty and the base vehicle boasting a two-year unlimited mileage Peugeot warranty.

The electric E7 also provides full wheelchair access. Thanks to its large rear-passenger area wheelchair users can enter the vehicle more easily and be turned into the correct position for travel, before being secured safely with high-quality wheelchair restraints and passenger seat belts.

“We’ve had a positive response to electric vehicles from many local authorities, both in the UK and in Europe. However it’s a shame that London looks set to miss out, especially since its famous taxi fleet is currently responsible for 4% of all emissions in the capital,” he added.

The E7 will cost £39,450. To put this into perspective, a London style black taxi based on a TX4 silver automatic is in the region of £35,455 on the road.
Sounds OK until you look at the mileage between recharges, myself and most drivers I know do a lot more then a measly 100 miles in a day. Plus in reality the top speed of 60MPH would feel like you were going backwards on the motorway. Nope come back when they can do 250miles and 80MPH and then maybe there would be some interest.

Another Tin Shed

Now that Barrow's Mall frontage has been completed after its thirty year overdue renovation I have been asking my fares what they think of the new look. The vast majority like me think it’s a cheap and nasty bodge up. Comments from my fares include “It doesn't go with the red brick and sandstone of the surrounding buildings" and "It looks like a giant washing machine or fridge" or "It's just been covered with cheap and tacky white tin sheets."

 I suppose anything is an improvement over what went before but Barrow folk deserve better than yet another tin shed, we seem to have cornered the market with those already. What makes it look even worse is the nasty splodge of badly laid cheap tarmac masquerading as a pavement outside the front.

Railway Club Hits the Buffers

After over a hundred proud years Barrow's oldest social club is to finally close its doors for the last time. The Railway Club on Barrow's St Georges Square was originally formed as the Furness Railway Employees Sick Club and Benefit Society. The club was in existence even before Barrow Central Station was opened in the 1880s.

 It was then accommodated in part of the building that was the railway offices in St.George’s Square and the present premises were those of the departure station of the old Furness Railway company, which date back to 1864.

 After surviving two world wars and the decline of the railway industry the club has finally hit the buffers.

 Ursula the club secretary tells me that unfortunately along with a lot of other local working men’s clubs the place just isn't paying its way.
She tells me of a photograph in the club taken of some of its members in its heyday back in 1963, amazingly after 45 years one of those members still pops in for a pint every evening. Lets hope the building itself is preserved, it would be a crying shame to lose this important part of Barrow’s history.

Fare of the Week

The "Fare of the week" award must go to a guy that I collected from Walney on Saturday. I had arrived bang on the time that he had booked his taxi and was waiting patiently outside the address. 

I could see the fare moving about inside the house and so pressed call-back to remind him that I was outside. A good five minutes later he opened his front door, as if he was about to come out, but then promptly went back inside again. I then watched in disbelief as he slowly combed his hair in the mirror and then made a snack from the fridge and sat down to slowly eat it. Finally with his hair in place and his belly full he headed towards the still open door.

 But no, when he reached the door he looked at me and pointed to his mouth, turned back and dashed back in and upstairs to brush his teeth. Some time later he strolled out and finally got into the waiting cab. As we drove toward his workplace I was stunned when he had the unbelievable cheek to say "can you put your foot down I don't want to be late for work." Needless to say my foot didn't go down at all even though I couldn't wait to get this sloth of a man out of the car. When we arrived at his workplace insult was added to injury when he was 20 pence short of the cab fare.

 Mmm some customers you can live without eh!

The End is Nigh

Another small piece of British history is about to be consigned to the dustbin, Westminster City Council will next month use new legislation to remove sandwich boards from the streets. Unfortunately it's said that the rest of London will soon follow suit, wiping out a colourful form of performance street art. Anybody who has studied any of the weird and wonderful characters who do the job will know what I mean. Under the new laws, sandwich-board men and the companies they advertise face fines of up to £2,500 if they fail to comply with the ban. The change is part of a £10 million plan to improve the so called ambience of the shopping district. It sounds more like a case of joining the rest of the England’s bland cloned high streets to me. Sandwich boards in years gone by were often used to carry spiritual messages with zealous wearers often using them to tell passers-by that the end of the world was nigh, doom was upon us. So finally after all these years they have been proved right, but unfortunately it’s the sandwich board men themselves that are doomed. I only wish that we were allowed to carry advertising on our cabs here in Barrow as they are in the bigger cities. They tell me that big money is to be made using your taxi as a mobile poster, I for one would be up for it, but maybe not a ”The End is Nigh” type poster.

Granny Wars

Two grandmothers on mobility scooters had to be dragged apart after getting into a fight where they were "ramming each other like dodgems" in a supermarket.

The women were separated after they started trading blows in front of shoppers in an aisle of the Iceland store in Crawley, West Sussex.

They were prized apart after staff heard screams.

A store worker said: "It was shocking.

"Seeing these two old ladies going for each other like that was truly disturbing."

The shelf-stacker, who did not wish to be named, added: "They could have been seriously hurt - they were ramming each other like dodgems."

Cops were called to the scene after the warring pensioners - who were pals - fell out over money.

They arrested one of the pensioners, who has not been named, on suspicion of assaulting the other 78- year-old woman who suffered an injury to her arm. She was later taken to hospital.

The grand-daughter of one of them said: "The two of them met some months ago and this lady was always at grandma's house.

"They became really friendly but fell out massively over money."

It is not yet known whether charges will be brought.

It is not the first time mobility scooters have been used dangerously.

In Rugby, Warwickshire, the policy introduced a speeding clampdown on mobility scooters, which can reach a top speed of 8mph, after a series of collisions and near misses in the town centre.

Phoney Nee-Naw

Over the last few weekends it seems that we have had a lot more blaring sirens and blue flashing lights than usual.

 Has a crazy fire bug been at work or have Barrovians turned into clumsy klutzes constantly injuring themselves? 

 Nope I don’t so, especially not since I saw that the vans being driven at breakneck speed through the busy streets of Barrow aren't actually bona-fide emergency vehicles.

 But still the laughing drivers seemed to be having the time of their life’s charging through red lights and ignoring all the normal rules of the road. From what I have since been told, it seems that Barrow’s streets are being used as some sort of training ground for would be emergency services drivers.

 We all know that these guys have to practice to gain the necessary skills but a little advance warning would have been nice. After watching the way some drivers react when they hear a siren coming up from behind them it could end up needing the real emergency services, to deal with the heart attacks caused.

Too Pink?

A local Barrow taxi driver has had a serious complaint made about her car. She was told to take it to the Town Hall where the evidence was photographed for a decision to be made by council licensing officers. Pretty serious stuff huh! But what was the complaint, which was made anonymously direct to the Town Hall by someone all about, to justify being taken this seriously? Was the car filthy or smelly or worse still, in a dangerous condition? Were the tyres bald or the steering faulty; did a spring from the upholstery pierce some passengers butt? Well surprisingly it was none of those. The person had complained because the taxi was in their opinion TOO PINK! What sort of miserable sad sack would go to the trouble of writing and complaining that a taxi was TOO PINK? Maybe someone with way too much time on their hands or maybe some macho type guy who didn't like the idea of riding in it because it would make him unsure of his own masculinity. The taxi in question has been personalized by one of our lady drivers, who has a soft spot for the Pink Panther cartoon character. Pink accessories inside include a steering wheel cover, seat belt protectors and furry dice. Most folk wouldn't find it over the top or too garish in any way and lots of her fares, especially the young and the young at heart love to ride in the Pink Panther.
We drivers spend the majority of the day in our taxis and some like to add the odd personal touch to the cab to brighten up the place and make it feel more homely. In my opinion anyone who can seriously object to this must surely have big problems in their own sad grey little lives.

Wrong Footed

Whoops! Looks like I’ve' gone and put my big foot in it yet again. When I went to pickup from a local supermarket the fare turned out to be a couple, and the man happened to have a wheelchair. They both got quickly into the car, out of the rain, him into the front seat and her into the rear and I got on with loading the wheelchair into the boot.

 As I did so I noticed something wrong and thought I would be helpful and tell the couple. "One of the wheelchair footrests is missing" I shouted through the open driver’s door. No response and so I shouted it again this time louder. Absolutely no response, they both stared straight ahead and seemed to blank me out. "Oh well some folk just don't want to be helped" I thought as I got in to drive away.

 I was just thinking that this would be one of those awkward silent journeys when the guy in the front started to chat about the awful weather. It was when I turned to look at him that I noticed that he was lacking one of his legs.

 Doh! That’s why the wheelchair only had one footrest; me and my big mouth eh!