Itsy Bitsy

I don't mind spiders at all, they just don't bother me, but going by the reactions I have had in the back of the cab lately, they sure do bother some people. Apparently, I have had a spider as a non-paying passenger for the last week or so. I've never seen it but going by the screams and quick exits that some fares make it must be a scary one. Every time someone mentions it I check the car out and despite searching high and low all I have found are a few silky threads. They tell me it's small and red and very quick, it must be to survive my weekly assault with the hoover. But one thing its good for is keeping kids quiet in the back after the first scream most get to the furthest corner and just watch in silent horror. Think I might get some more and keep them in a matchbox just to threaten the kids with.

Oh, the photo is one the daughter nearly scared to death by screaming when she found it innocently sharing the bath.

Opp North

Now that the Welsh have signs in Welsh and the Scots in Gaelic it seems that us northerners are about to follow the trend. We tend to drop our Hs and Ws so it has been realised that millions of pounds could be saved by spelling things as we say them for example otel, old folks ome, orse stables, wheelbarra, central eating, any more examples welcome remember it all started with this sign in Barrow--- __ops sorry Barra.

Magic Roundabout

As usual this morning a bit of road rage was going on at our famous Tesco magic mini roundabout. 

When I reached the roundabout I heard the screech of brakes and saw the usual macho shaking of fists and posturing, and I could hear the two drivers shouting and abusing each other.
 In the end one of the drivers screeched off in a cloud of tyre smoke. Unfortunately for him this was witnessed by a policeman in a plain car and he followed him. When I passed he and the P.C. were having words but I was disturbed to see a boy of about seven or eight sat in the front seat of the car. Its bad enough acting in this way anyway but to let a child witness it is truly moronic. 
The approach to our magic roundabout is the one place in Barrow I would consider speed humps. There is this unfounded faith in the idea that the faster and more aggressively you drive at it the better and that everyone will automatically give way to traffic from the right. This and the assumption that every driver will indicate are often proved wrong.
 Or do they just hope that everyone else has brakes and insurance.

Cybermen

I have noticed some of our local taxi drivers wearing Bluetooth headsets lately what’s that all about I wonder. I mean guys its not as if you are going to be getting loads of important big time business calls, maybe the wife telling you your teas ready or to get a pint of milk on the way home but that’s about it.
 So why put yourself through that discomfort and wear them all the time? Some drivers actually walk into the office wearing them much to everyone’s amusement.
 Maybe they watch too many science fiction movies and like to pretend to be astronauts or cybermen. Well this is earth calling guys and telling you that you look right lemons. 
What topped it for me was when I saw a guy driving his cab across Walney bridge with a large Bluetooth in one ear and actually holding a mobile phone to the other ear.

Blue Badge

I see that down in the city of Manchester some cars have been impounded and the owners prosecuted for using fake blue disabled parking badges.(for overseas readers these badges allow parking on yellow lines for up to three hours).
 From what I see and hear every day on the streets of Barrow you don't need to fake a badge, it seems you get one even if it's your aunt's friend's sister in law that is suffering with an ingrown toenail. The town centre is littered with cars all badly parked using these badges as an excuse for their laziness and tightfistedness. 
I have watched these drivers park on yellow lines right next to a pay and display car park, and then stride several hundred yards across the car park to get to the shops, and even on occasion seen them run back for their forgotten walking stick. 
I had to double park and block traffic for a while today, as I helped my passenger a genuinely disabled lady into a shop. On the way back to the car I noticed that one of the cars blocking access was displaying a blue badge, but it was a large estate car filled with the tools and cable used by an electrician. 
There are obviously genuine users of blue badges but a large proportion are definitely taking the mickey. 

Chit Chat

You know sometimes it really is a struggle to find something to talk about with the passengers especially ones I have never met before.
A lot of people just don't want to talk and after a while driving a cab you can sense this pretty much straight away and just turn the radio up a bit and get them to where they are going.
But others are more than eager for a chat; some of the old folk we pick up have not spoken to a living soul for days and days on end.
But the thing is that you have to find something safe and neutral to talk about, something in the local news or something we drive past usually starts a good conversation off.
But when nowt is going on it tends to be the fare that starts up on their favourite subject and it goes from there.
But some things can run into problems and are best avoided, take politics for instance we all can get a bit heated on that and so it’s best not to go into it too seriously.
I have lost count of the times when I have had to bite my lip whilst listening to some ould dear complaining about all the foreigners coming over here and nicking our jobs. This in a town which is 99% white and has near full employment.
Still there is always that sure fire safe bet “Football” but problem is I am just not interested in football at all. I usually don't mention this and just let them amaze me with their vast knowledge and skills in management and just hope that they don’t notice my eyes glazing over.
 It’s best not to mention that I don't like football or I get the same open mouthed stupefied expression as if I had just casually mentioned that I knew their mother and wondered if I may be their real father.
The only real safe bet is of course the weather; everyone likes a whinge about it being too hot or too cold.  That is except for the women who I picked up the other day when it just happened to be very misty.  It turns out according to her that the government is causing it and using the mystery mist as a secret weapon to control and spy on us all.
What a load of rubbish eh!
 Everyone knows it’s the aliens that are doing it.      

Easter Parade

Easter Sunday and all the big supermarkets are closed and it was exactly the same ritual performance as last year, it’s what I call the Easter Sunday parade, with hundreds of cars full of desperate retail junkies driving around in circles looking for a supermarket that’s open for business.

They just can't believe that the stores dare have the audacity to close their temple of consumerism just when they want to go shopping as they usually do every single Sunday.

 They don't just look at the car park, see it’s empty and realise the store is closed, and drive away, nope they have to drive right up to the store entrance and stare at the locked doors with wide open mouths.

They actually form an orderly queue to do this and then they all drive off to the next supermarket down the road to repeat the mournful ritual. It seems that they just don't know what to do with their sad selves without their Sunday shopping fix; wonder what they did before the stores started Sunday trading!

Sunday shopping seems to have replaced church services and even the great British pub liquid lunch to become some people’s sole source of a social life. Whole family's seeking the great nirvana of retail therapy clog the aisles as they engage in epic gossip sessions with others who they only ever see in the hallowed retail cathedrals. Pity the poor layperson who actually just wants to dash in and out and grab a quick bite for lunch. None of the gossip congregation will give an inch to let anyone else past them and will use their empty shopping trolleys as a weapon to stop the philistines from invading the hallowed ground.   

 We taxi drivers could make lots more money if our phone operators just didn't tell customers that the stores were shut. We could then just take them on a nice leisurely trip round all the closed supermarkets and then back home again, but apparently that’s bad public relations so we don't do that.

It’s still a great pity though it would be a nice little earner eh!

Furry Fright

I didn't take a lot of notice when the lady got into the back of the taxi and asked to go into town. On the way she asked me to pull up outside a post office and wait whilst she did an errand. 
 After about five minutes or so I was just sat there bored and daydreaming, when suddenly out of the corner of my eye I spotted something small and furry making its way quickly from in between the seats straight towards me. 
I was out of the taxi quicker than a Danish cartoonist leaving a mosque. 
I thought that maybe a rat or squirrel must have gotten in somehow.  After a minute or two of taking deep breaths I still wasn't prepared to get back in the cab to fight the furry intruder and was stood peering anxiously through the windows trying to spot it again. 
Just at that moment the lady walked out of the post office and up to the car and seeing my shocked expression guessed exactly what had happened.
Sorry she said “I should have told you I had my miniature Yorkshire terrier in my pocket and thought it would be ok to leave her in the car”.

Made Up.

A young lass who I had picked up was wearing bright pink pyjamas, which believe it or not is not at all unusual in these parts.
 It’s mainly the Sunday mornings when they have stayed over with friends after a night out; they don't like to go home in the previous nights clothes.
 But this was on a Tuesday afternoon and she had not a hair out of place and was adorned in lots of fresh heavy duty makeup.
 She must have troweled that much on herself that even her hands were covered in the stuff  judging by the multiple handprints she left all over the back seats and doors.
 It must have been super industrial strength because it was a nightmare to clean off, pity the poor guy who gets any of that on his collar.

Bootless

Why do our local Barrow lasses go out on the town in boots or shoes that are so very obviously uncomfortable.
 On the Sunday mornings presumably after a hard nights partying I always seem to pick up lots of young ladies  carrying the previous night’s footwear.
 Last Sunday morning I picked up three girls in a row all carrying high boots with big heels, if they hurt why wear them? 
 Still that’s women for you.
 Reminds me of a Sunday a while back when I picked up a lass going to one of the villages about six or seven miles away from Barrow, she had been out all night and was still pretty drunk. Still in a good mood she was talking away about her night and things that had happened and all the while she was emphasising points by waving her arms about. After about three miles she was still in full flow when suddenly she stopped and quickly put her hands down and went bright red. That was when I knew that she had finally realised she had her knickers grasped in her hand and had been waving them about for the last ten minutes.
 She slipped them into her pocket and didn't say much after that; they were red by the way!

Olde Times

Well after rereading our local council terms and conditions for taxi drivers here in Barrow in Furness I think that the whole thing needs a good update they use language such as the "term psychedelic and bizarre painting schemes" that one must surely be a hangover from the swinging sixties! 
 Then we have the total gobbledegook   "The track width and suspension characteristics shall be such as to provide good road holding performance and stability on cornering" surely if the taxi didn't it would not pass a taxi inspection or even the annual M.O.T test.
Then we have the requirement for the never used and cannot ever be used without danger of being sued, fire extinguisher and first aid kit.
Most modern council’s have now realised that drivers are not insured to use and cannot use these without proper training and have done away with the requirement.
"Radio scanners are prohibited" again that’s all a bit old hat nowadays most firms are on data and not voice nowadays so not much to listen to.

Then we come to the Hackney Carriage Byelaws they seem to have been written at about 1886 which was about the same time as our Town Hall was built.
“Cause the roof or covering to be watertight" and "cause the fittings and furniture generally to be kept in a clean condition, well maintained and in every way fit for public service" and how about this beauty “The taxi shall be fitted with a key flag or other device, the turning of which will bring the machinery of the taximeter into action and use the word hired to appeal on the face of the taximeter”
This was all obviously written by quill on parchment in the days of horse drawn hackney carriages and the last time they changed it and as it states at the bottom, hereunto fixed the common seal was forty one years ago!
I have saved the best bit until last "The proprietor or driver of a hackney carriage shall immediately after the termination of any hiring or as soon as possible thereafter carefully search the carriage for any property which may have been accidentally left therein."  
Then we have "carry it as soon as possible and in any event within 48 hours if not sooner claimed by or on behalf of its owner to the office of the council and leave it in the custody of the officer in charge of the office on his giving a receipt for it."
I and most other drivers have never heard of anybody taking lost property to the Town Hall and I bet this is another hangover from the dim and distant past.
So now I will have to find this officer in charge then handover the seven odd gloves, three single earrings, several soiled hankies and the cat box (the cat didn't survive its visit to the vets) that I have in my garage?

Barking Mad

A middle aged guy gets into the taxi this morning constantly coughing his lungs up “are you a heavy smoker?” I asked when he finally caught his breath. "What do you mean"? He said. Well is smoking the first thing you do every morning when you get up.
 "No he said first I cough, then I smoke."

Splashing Time

It rained constantly all day today and I was  getting peoples favourite comment to taxi drivers “I bet you drivers love it when it rains like this”.
 Well here’s one driver who doesn't, it’s no fun at all driving all day in the pouring rain you have to concentrate a heck of lot more to dodge all the people with umbrellas or hoods up who just walk out into the road.
 And if it’s raining from early morning people especially the older folk  just don't want to go out unless they have to and if they do they tend to be a lot more miserable than usual.
 But if it starts to rain when everybody is already out then that’s ok we have a busy time then. Showers are a mixed blessing people call a cab and then it stops so they walk and we get lot of no pickups.
 The only consolation is driving through deep puddles and splashing traffic wardens.

Bucket

A lady I pick up now and again bears a remarkable resemblance to the TV personality Hyacinth Bucket both in character as well as looks. The first few occasions she went to great pains to tell that me “oh of course I am not from round this dump” and that the “yokels are a lot of dirty rabble not fit to walk Barrows filthy streets”.
 This went on for a month or two until one day she come out of her house with her husband close behind her. Poor devil I thought pity him he must have a dogs life. He got in the front and his wife in the back and I waited for the usual haughty remarks,” have you got everything” she said to him. I looked at him expecting to see a poor downtrodden sort of guy who daren't answer back. He looked back at me winked and smiled then said to her “as always darling”. 
When she answered I was shocked by the change in her voice and tone she sounded ten years younger and spoke to him with a permanent smile on her face. So she was human after all, I looked at her in a different light after that.

Drugged Duo

I had picked up two guys this morning from what must one of the roughest blocks of flats here in Barrow. Both seemed to be heavily under the influence of some sort of drug and they proceeded to rap lyrics to some sort of extreme racist song.

I asked them politely to pack it in and tried to make a joke out of the situation before they got too far out of hand. So they kindly then moved on to religion and sang hymns whose words had been altered to mock various religious figures.

 This was all getting a bit too much for what should have a quiet Sunday morning and not a riotous Saturday night.

Thankfully after a couple of crazy miles one of the guys, the noisiest was to be dropped off first. Before he got out of the cab he leaned into the front and whispered to me in a weird sing song voice “never trust a man who standing in front of you turns round bends over pulls his pants down and sticks his finger up his bum then licks that finger” Shaking my head I gratefully waited for him to get the hell out of my taxi.

 Well he did, but he then stood in front of the taxi and did exactly what he had just so graphically described.

This all took place in front of an unwilling audience coming and going from the busy nearby newsagents!        

Ancient Ruin

Our local ancient ruin Furness Abbey here in Barrow in Furness is always good for a wind up with the odd tourist, when I drive past it with them I always say that they are waiting for the builders to pebbledash it and install plastic windows. 

Short Trip

At least six or seven people that I picked up today, when asked" where to" gave me the address that they had just come out of.
 I usually say okay and then ask for the fare, they tend to look at me blankly for a moment or two and then realise what they have said. 
One of these fine days someone will pay me and then get straight out again.
Not that I would complain people could do that all day long for my liking!

Furry Fright

I was a bit distracted and didn't really take a lot of notice when the lady got into the back of the taxi and asked to go to town, on the way she asked me to pull up outside a post office while she did an errand.
 I was just sat there daydreaming, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted something small and furry making it's way from in between the seats towards me. I was out of the car quicker than a Danish cartoonist leaving a mosque.
 I crazily thought maybe a rat must have gotten in somehow. Just at that moment the lady walked back up to the car and seeing my expression guessed what had happened,sorry she said I should have told you, I had my Yorkshire terrier in my pocket and thought it would be okay to leave her in the car.

Payback Time

Instead of getting involved in the mayhem of New Years Eve I opted for an early start on New Years Day. This gives good opportunity for payback for all the Peter Kay taxi driver sketches that groups of giggling drunks always try to recreate in the back of the cab. It really does get a bit boring by the time you get to the hundredth time of "busy tonight mate” and "what time you on till” that bloody Peter Kay has a lot to answer for.
 But the tables are turned early next morning when the fares are a bit worse for wear after a full nights partying. Nothing too harsh you understand, just a bit of gentle mickey taking. Such as looking back at the hung-over wreck in the back and saying” we'd better get you back to the crypt before the sun comes up eh!" Or to the fella wearing the brightly coloured frilly shirt, "we'd better get you home before your mother misses her blouse.
 Or the useful advice given to the young lass who looked as if she had been dragged through a hedge backwards “I'd stay away from mirrors for a few days if I was you." One confused staggerer who was having trouble remembering where he lived and muttered "over the hill and round the bend" to which I replied "yes I know you are but where do you live,”
 But even I had to refrain from any cruel humour with my first fare of the day. This was from the crowded casualty department of Furness General hospital where he had been all night. It seems that he had a disagreement with a lass who promptly settled the matter by taking her shoe off and embedding the stiletto heel in his head several times, ouch.

Black Eye Friday 2014

Way up here in this part of the North of England, we tend to call the last Friday before Christmas “Black Eye Friday.”
 It's the day most people finish work for the Christmas holidays and they tend to finish work early about lunch time and they then head straight down to the pub for a long boozy session.
 I find it amusing when it gets to about four o'clock in the afternoon I then start to pickup some of the less hardened boozers when they have had enough and want to go home.  Lots of them are then telling me what a good night they have had; they are convinced that because it's dark that it must be very very late at night. I never tell them any different and just drive them home.
 Once a year drunks I call them the very worst kind of drinker because they just aren't used to it, give me a seasoned drinker anytime.  They take ages to come out of the pub shaking hands, hugging everyone in sight, and then going back into the pub several times for yet more emotional farewells. Then once you get them into the taxi, the struggle is then to get them out of the taxi at the other end, because you are, their new very best friend in the whole wide world and they want to tell you their life story many times very very slowly and emotionally. Then its handshakes and if I’m very unlucky big bear hugs, but of course none of my new found best friends ever recognise me ever again.

Still it's all good sport, Merry Christmas and a happy new year.