Glitter

Picked up three passengers early this morning and they all had garish eye makeup on and lots and lots of glitter and blusher.  The only problem was that only one of them was female. The tale they gave me was that they had fallen asleep at a party and someone had given them a makeover, but the guys one of whom carried a bunch of carnations made no attempt to wipe it off and promptly fell asleep on the drive to the nearby town of Ulverston. I had a bit of a struggle to wake them to find the address they wanted and they kept muttering and falling asleep again. We had driven well past it so I let them out and they set off walking through the busy streets, getting lots of amused looks from passers-by.

The Coin Juggler

I had what I always refer to as a coin juggler in the back of the cab today. I pick this particular type of folk up maybe once or twice a week, and they can be of either sex and old or young, rich or poor but they always sit in the back and try to be discrete. What they do is they watch the taxi meter obsessively and every time it clicks over they move the coins from one hand to the other so that they have the exact fare ready in small change, minus the tip of course! You don’t get very much conversation out of a coin juggler just the soft obsessive clinking of coins, but still they always amuse me no end. What does catch the juggler out now and again is when the meter adds the waiting time on when we stop at lights or in heavy traffic and the meter goes up a few bob, that’s when they tend to juggle faster and then panic and drop all their precious coins on the cab floor.

Wet Nightmare

A while back now I got a job not too far away from where I was parked, I didn't recognise the name which come up on my screen but thought nothing of it. The job was to pick-up outside a small supermarket but as soon as I got near I recognised the fare.
 I was out of there like a shot I had picked her up a few weeks previously and she not to put too fine a point on it stank. 
The smell was definitely urine and as she got out I noticed that she had green crystals on her trousers were it had dried out. This led to losing an hour or so to clean the car and so it was a quick u-turn and away, but sure enough as I turned in front of her I could plainly see that she had recently wet herself, it was lucky I remembered her.
Lot’s of people say aren't you frightened of people being sick in the back of the car. I don't work nights so it doesn't affect me but the guys who do tell me that you can tell when people are going to vomit and so stop and get them out. But it’s the young ladies who are desperate for a pee who are the biggest problem apparently they do it on the back seat now and again and you don’t know about it until the next fare gets a cold (or if its recent warm ) wet backside.

Phone Home

Had a guy in the cab this morning and we were merrily talking away when his phone rings, he answers and says to me” it’s the wife” and put his finger to his mouth and says “shhh” 
He then says to his wife “yes I am just going through Salford now love I wont be able to make it back home until tomorrow “Salford is about a hundred miles down the road from us and I thought at first he must be a bit mixed up.
 But he then started to describe things we were supposed to be passing such as Strangeways gaol and Boddingtons brewery and even told her that he would call at one of the Asian sweet shops in Cheetham Hill and get something for her. When he finally hung up I looked at him questionly, but he said absolutely nothing about it just shrugged and carried on with the previous conversation.
It just shows you though with mobile phones you could be absolutely anywhere who’s to know eh!

The Burnt Charcoal Suit

One of my lovely passengers, who's a hairdresser was telling me a couple of stories the other day which she assures me are both true. 
The first was told to her by someone who works at the local crematorium. They had a visit from a lady who had recently been widowed and whose late husband's funeral and cremation having taken place only two days previously.” I've come for the suit “she said the staff were mystified by this request and so sat her down and asked what she meant. It turned out that she thought that the customers at the crematorium were undressed prior to being cremated.
 Upon being told that this wasn't so she said “I would have dressed him in one of his old suits if I had known that”.
The second was that a young lady kept coming back to the shop to complain about her perm. It keeps falling out she said, and so the shop redid her hair, this happened three or four times and the shop staff were baffled. On her last visit they sat her down and asked her a few questions about just what she was doing with her hair.
 They found that she actually thought that a perm meant just what it said, and so when she washed her hair she just towelled it and expected it to dry exactly how it was when she left the hairdressers.

Placebo Effect

Two young lads, about eighteen or nineteen who were passengers in the taxi today had had a drop or two to drink but were polite and well behaved.
They had a bit of a run around calling at a house to get changed and the grog shop for more beer, but the last port of call before I dropped them off threw me a bit.
They asked to stop at a shop that sold amongst other things tropical fish supplies.
They both dashed in and within fifteen seconds come out again swallowing some of the "other things" that the shop specialises in.  Legal highs, plant food, bath salts call it what you will but it's what a heck of a lot of the younger generation are gleefully consuming.
Now to me the way these two jokers started acting really weird after a maximum of maybe two minutes of necking this unknown white powder could have had one of two explanations.
The first is that this magic space dust works as soon as it hits your tongue and somehow you are in nirvana within seconds.
The second and the more plausible explanation to me is that maybe some of the effects are psychological a bit like giving a four year old wine gums and telling them that it will make them drunk.  The placebo effect they call it, all in the mind. But seriously if they are going to consume this mystery crap shouldn't the people who supply it take the time to check that they know the effect it will have on them and how long it will last and what the risks are. 
Or maybe it's all a bit of a magical mystery to them, but what the hell it sure keeps the money rolling in for them.         

Yan Tan

I took an old guy to Ulverston one morning this week and when he counted the coins out to pay the fare he said “here’s dick tan lad keep the change,” This had me baffled so I asked him to explain what he had just said.

 He told me that it’s an ancient form of counting still in use by some of the Cumbrian upland sheep farmers to count their flock.

 So here goes with one to ten, don’t know if any of the spellings are correct this is just as he said them. 1 yan 2 tan 3 teddera 4 meddera 5 pimp 6 settera 7 lettera 8 hovera 9 dowra 10 dick .

It sounds like it may come from the Old Norse but best of all I like the one for 15 bumfit and the one for 20 jiggot.

 Right I'm off for a dick minutes rest might catch you in bumfit or so.

Meth Lifestyle

I had two meth runs in a row one day recently, for those that don’t know meth is short for methadone which is a liquid heroin substitute doled out by the pharmacist and has to be drank whilst in the chemist’s shop.  This is a daily thing for these people and part of their normal routine, but don't go thinking that it’s all shady young chavs in hoodies, it’s both males and females and with a wide range of ages from twenties up to fifties.   
  Some say that these people have a drug problem but no to a lot of them it isn’t a problem at all.  With most of the long term users it’s simply a way of life and they know nothing else. Think of it this way, what wouldn’t you give to be free of all responsibility and to just treat life as one big game. Usually no fixed address so no bills to pay and no kids to look after, just like most of the users they are brought up by relatives or end up in a care home. Cash isn’t a problem easily earned by small time dealing, supplying other users. 
They tend to give the wrong destination when ordering the cab and it then turns into a run-around and a drop off on a vague street corner after going from one side of town to the other and back. Now sometimes if I stay real quiet with more than one fare in the taxi folk seem to forget I am there and talk about all sorts of strange stuff, today was just one of those occasions. This kind of opened a window onto the wild crazy lifestyles that some of these users take for granted. And it does sometimes seem that they can experience crazier stuff in a week than most of us see in a whole lifetime.  Three people in the taxi and they were all pretty silent until the meth had been taken and then they started to relax and talk between themselves.
One story was the tale of a fellow user who had not been able to go to his brothers’ funeral that week from his prison cell. “Naw the screws wunt let him go cos he’s an high escape risk he got out of the cop van in Lancaster and was on the run for a week, then when they got him he squeezed out of the skylight of the sweatbox (prison van).”  The lass then responded with “they double cuffed me when I went to me nanas, why didn’t they do that and put him on a lead” (a long chain from the cuffs to the prison officers) just then the actual guy they were talking about rang them using a smuggled mobile phone direct from his prison cell. They seemed to treat this as nothing out of the ordinary apparently mobiles are quite easy to get hold of in jail. 
They spent the rest of the cab ride laughing and telling each other stories about how they got caught for dealing and what cars the police were “sneaking around in”.  They didn’t think it fair that the police were now using cars with blacked out windows to watch them from and even using rough old cars to follow them with.  
Wow how some folk live eh!

Chit Chat

You know sometimes it really is a struggle to find something to talk about with the passengers especially ones I have never met before.
A lot of people just don't want to talk and after a while driving a cab you can sense this pretty much straight away and just turn the radio up a bit and get them to where they are going.
But others are more than eager for a chat; some of the old folk we pick up have not spoken to a living soul for days and days on end.
But the thing is that you have to find something safe and neutral to talk about, something in the local news or something we drive past usually starts a good conversation off.
But when nowt is going on it tends to be the fare that starts up on their favourite subject and it goes from there.
But some things can run into problems and are best avoided, take politics for instance we all can get a bit heated on that and so it’s best not to go into it too seriously.
I have lost count of the times when I have had to bite my lip whilst listening to some ould dear complaining about all the foreigners coming over here and nicking our jobs. This in a town which is 99% white and has near full employment.
Still there is always that sure fire safe bet “Football” but problem is I am just not interested in football at all. I usually don't mention this and just let them amaze me with their vast knowledge and skills in management and just hope that they don’t notice my eyes glazing over.
 It’s best not to mention that I don't like football or I get the same open mouthed stupefied expression as if I had just casually mentioned that I knew their mother and wondered if I may be their real father.
The only real safe bet is of course the weather; everyone likes a whinge about it being too hot or too cold.  That is except for the women who I picked up the other day when it just happened to be very misty.  It turns out according to her that the government is causing it and using the mystery mist as a secret weapon to control and spy on us all.
What a load of rubbish eh!
 Everyone knows it’s the aliens that are doing it.      

Nervous Tick

I was watching a TV programme called Terrets camp and it brought to mind an incident which happened a few summer's ago.

 It was a Saturday lunch time and I had picked up from the vast local gas terminal which was under construction, the male fare was a contractor from Newcastle, he was a daunting character, huge with a shaved head and lots of tattoos.

He asked to be taken to a pub in town and then on the way started to ask questions about the massage parlour which is near the pub.

He must have had some form of nervous tick when he got a bit excited; he dropped his head to his left shoulder and grunted loudly like a pig. I was startled but tried to just carry on just as normal as possible.

As we got nearer to town he asked more questions about the massage parlour and then squealed and grunted even louder.

 He said he was going to visit the massage parlour after a few beers. I wonder what the girls in the massage parlour made of him, I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that visit!

Furry Fright

I was a bit distracted and didn't really take a lot of notice when the lady got into the back of the taxi and asked to go to town, on the way she asked me to pull up outside a post office while she did an errand.
 I was just sat there daydreaming, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted something small and furry making it's way from in between the seats towards me. I was out of the car quicker than a Danish cartoonist leaving a mosque.
 I crazily thought maybe a rat must have gotten in somehow. Just at that moment the lady walked back up to the car and seeing my expression guessed what had happened,sorry she said I should have told you, I had my Yorkshire terrier in my pocket and thought it would be okay to leave her in the car.

Christmas Twins

I had picked up a fare today, an ould lass going into town to get some last minute Christmas shopping. She was excitedly telling me that she was going to get presents for her little ones, as it was their very first Christmas. Now as she looked to be in her seventies I presumed that she must have been talking about her grandchildren.

I’m going to get them an activity centre, a climbing frame, a little tent to hide in, lots of cuddly toys and some chewy treats she said breathlessly.

Don’t you think that’s a bit too much and far to early, for that age they will be more interested in playing with the wrapping paper and boxes at that age I suggested helpfully.

She laughed and said, “Yes they will love that won’t they, oh and I must get a CD of Christmas carols for them to listen to whilst they have Christmas dinner”

Now I was getting confused and beginning to consider calling social services to rescue these two mistreated mites, so I asked if that since it was their first Christmas are they twins perhaps. Oh yes she said laughing crazily “ones brown and the others black”

All sorts went through my mind until it finally sunk into my poor confused head that she was talking about her newly acquired kittens! Dohhh!   

Pre-booked cab

Some people will always book their taxi well in advance and will ask for a taxi at 9am or 10.30pm or five to eleven etc etc but there's always one that has to be a bit eccentric I suppose..

I didn't think anything of it at first until I noticed on the PDA screen (image to the left) that the job was pre-booked for 9.02pm and even so I thought that the customer had rang it asking for it in 20 mins and the telephonist at our end had booked it in as 20 minutes from the current time for example but curiosity got the better of me and so I questioned the young man and asked "What time did you book your cab for" expecting him to say 9pm. He actually said 2 minutes past nine and went on to explain that he was meeting a girl in the pub and had told her that if she wasn't there by 9pm that he would be going without her and he had rang the taxi at 8pm ish anticipating that she wasn't going to turn up and allowed 2 minutes at 9pm and then got in the taxi and went on his way.