Sign of The Times

I picked lots of noisy kids up this week, it's the week before the schools go back and so it's the last minute rush for school uniforms. One woman was totally oblivious to her three unruly brats in the back, she just seemed to go into a trance looking at her phone as her kids fought screamed, and then rolled both back windows down and started to throw things out including the taxi firms business cards. Still, she just stared at the darn phone deaf and blind to the chaos in the rear. That was when I braked and pulled over and without saying a word got out rolled up the back windows and placed my new sign that I bought a while back from Lancaster Castle, onto the dash, then I just looked at them for a minute without saying a word. They looked at me and then at the sign and that was it not a peep out of them for the rest of the journey. Funny thing was the mother never said a word, but she gave me a good tip with the fare.

Muck Magnet

As I pulled up outside an address to pick up a fare today I noticed a big black dirty oil patch outside and so I parked just past it to save my fare walking through it and messing the car up. The fare turns out to be a harassed mum and her three young kids, the two older boys got in the car and told me that they were going to a party meanwhile the girl of about two ran around and danced in excitement outside. Then, of course, the muck magnet which is built into every kid kicks in and she goes head over heels into the oil, she is covered from head to toe and all over her party clothes. And so the harassed mum finds a clean bit, picks her up and takes her in to wash and change.
Ten minutes later she runs out dancing and giggling and whilst harassed mum is locking her door she tumbles straight into the oil patch again if it wasn’t for the little girls tears and cries of” mum, mum” I would have laughed. Harassed mum decided enough was enough and just wiped her down and said she’d have to go as she was.
I guess that she never did a good job of the clean up judging by the perfect black child’s footprint on the less than perfect butt of my next lady passengers white jeans, I almost felt guilty but it was the last job and so I went home laughing.

Sentence

I took a guy round to the local Magistrates Court building this week and he had with him a large bag and what looked like all his worldly possessions with him. Are you off somewhere nice I asked little thinking that he would reply" no I'm going to jail." Maybe not I said they may look kindly on you and you may get off lightly, no he said, "I have been found guilty already and I'm up for for sentencing today and they have said it’s pretty certain that it’s time in jail". Not a lot I could say after that I could see that he was worried and nervous, but as they say, if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime. 

Phone Home

Had a guy in the cab this morning and we were merrily talking away when his phone rings, he answers and says to me” it’s the wife” and put his finger to his mouth and says “shhh” 
He then says to his wife “yes I am just going through Salford now love I wont be able to make it back home until tomorrow “Salford is about a hundred miles down the road from us and I thought at first he must be a bit mixed up.
 But he then started to describe things we were supposed to be passing such as Strangeways gaol and Boddingtons brewery and even told her that he would call at one of the Asian sweet shops in Cheetham Hill and get something for her. When he finally hung up I looked at him questionly, but he said absolutely nothing about it just shrugged and carried on with the previous conversation.
It just shows you though with mobile phones you could be absolutely anywhere who’s to know eh!

Placebo Effect

Two young lads, about eighteen or nineteen who were passengers in the taxi today had had a drop or two to drink but were polite and well behaved.
They had a bit of a run around calling at a house to get changed and the grog shop for more beer, but the last port of call before I dropped them off threw me a bit.
They asked to stop at a shop that sold amongst other things tropical fish supplies.
They both dashed in and within fifteen seconds come out again swallowing some of the "other things" that the shop specialises in.  Legal highs, plant food, bath salts call it what you will but it's what a heck of a lot of the younger generation are gleefully consuming.
Now to me the way these two jokers started acting really weird after a maximum of maybe two minutes of necking this unknown white powder could have had one of two explanations.
The first is that this magic space dust works as soon as it hits your tongue and somehow you are in nirvana within seconds.
The second and the more plausible explanation to me is that maybe some of the effects are psychological a bit like giving a four year old wine gums and telling them that it will make them drunk.  The placebo effect they call it, all in the mind. But seriously if they are going to consume this mystery crap shouldn't the people who supply it take the time to check that they know the effect it will have on them and how long it will last and what the risks are. 
Or maybe it's all a bit of a magical mystery to them, but what the hell it sure keeps the money rolling in for them.         

Drugged Duo

I had picked up two guys this morning from what must one of the roughest blocks of flats here in Barrow. Both seemed to be heavily under the influence of some sort of drug and they proceeded to rap lyrics to some sort of extreme racist song.

I asked them politely to pack it in and tried to make a joke out of the situation before they got too far out of hand. So they kindly then moved on to religion and sang hymns whose words had been altered to mock various religious figures.

 This was all getting a bit too much for what should have a quiet Sunday morning and not a riotous Saturday night.

Thankfully after a couple of crazy miles one of the guys, the noisiest was to be dropped off first. Before he got out of the cab he leaned into the front and whispered to me in a weird sing song voice “never trust a man who standing in front of you turns round bends over pulls his pants down and sticks his finger up his bum then licks that finger” Shaking my head I gratefully waited for him to get the hell out of my taxi.

 Well he did, but he then stood in front of the taxi and did exactly what he had just so graphically described.

This all took place in front of an unwilling audience coming and going from the busy nearby newsagents!        

Card Trouble

I got a call to pick up from one of Barrow’s more expensive hotels this morning, when I got there my passengers turned out to be a couple with no luggage still in the clothes from what looked had been a wild night of gallivanting .

Well nothing unusual about that, but when they got in the car, he gets in the front and her in the back, and whilst she was quite chatty, he was a bit withdrawn. The girl who was a stunner, asked to be dropped off first, and then the guy was travelling on for another four miles. He was hard work at first, a bit morose but after a while, he comes out with the story.

 He had been out with friends and somehow become separated from them and then feeling a bit lonely, he ended up getting drunk and copping off with the lovely lady.

 "Great" I said," so you had a good night why the long face"? "Yes a great night he said beautiful hotel and champagne on ice". He was quiet for a moment and then holding his head in his hands he said; "only problem is that like a fool I used a credit card". "Never mind you won't get the bill for a month or so," I said, thinking he was worried about the money," problem is it's a joint card with my wife and she gets the statements," he said.

Whoops!

Red Lady

I had picked a couple up very early on the Sunday morning , they had obviously been out all night long and both looked the worse for wear. They were both going to Walney Island the guy to the north and the lady a couple miles away further to the south of the island.
 When we stopped briefly to let the guy out he leaned back into the car and said to the lady in a really very loud voice "thanks luv best sex I have ever had"
 He did use an explicit old Anglo Saxon term really but lets not go there.
 He then shut the door and walked off, she then of course had to sit there embarrassed  for the rest of the journey, she went very very red and swore very quietly but vehemently for the rest of the journey.

Bully Boys

There must be a whole generation of children growing up now who must be absolutely terrified of taxi drivers. There are lots of mothers who when the child won't sit still or be quiet use the threats of "the driver will shout at you"" the driver will throw you out," the driver will hit you."

I myself am perfectly mild mannered and non violent and have never been known to kick, bite or scratch at any time unless seriously provoked and I sometimes struggle to stop myself from laughing at these idle threats. Some of the younger kids do take it half seriously though and you can see them looking at me in frightened awe in case I really am the psychotic sadist that mother says I am. 

I don’t suppose we will get many taxi fares of these children when they grow up eh!

RESPECT...... Wots that?

Is it just me or every cabbie that this happens to. Why does a mother get in the back of the car with a young child around 2 or 3 years old and allow the child to put their dirty shoes on the seats and allow them to put their grubby little hands everywhere making marks on the furnishings.

I will not drive off until a child has a seatbelt on as its a safety issue and its the law so the mother puts the seatbelt on the child only after I had told her too and within travelling about 500 yards the child had undone the belt and was trying to stand up on the seat putting his sticky hands all over my window whilst the mother didnt do a thing. I stopped the car and told him to get his feet off the seats and get his belt back on. He looked at me and quietly did as I told him but I shouldnt have to do this.

Its not my job to tell mothers to make sure their kids behave and then she had the cheek to ask me why I shouted at him to sit down to which I replied to her. "You weren't gonna do anything so I had to". She said that he wasn't doing any harm and was just inquisitive. She obviously didn't care what her little darling was doing in the taxi and didn't seem to mind that he was stood up on the seat with his moody shoes.

Maybe its the usual attitude of "Its not my property so I don`t care "

How would she like it if my previous passenger had done the same and then I went to pick her up. Would she sit in the same seat with dirt all over it.

Have respect for other peoples property. Its not too much to ask...